Too picky? Modern day relationships, foundations and its basic expectations

Image source- GQ India

Today, many teenagers and young adults prefer not to get married in the future, more common among girls. This includes me as well. Be it patriarchy, inequality, failing relationships, media's portrayal of an irrealistic 'perfect' relationship, rising divorce cases, etc. Or if they decide to get married, they prefer to choose their spouse themselves rather than depending much on arranged marriage system and neighbourhood Seema aunties.

Though media does depict impossibly 'perfect' relationship, many relationship coaches have come up too and ideal couples who have had (and still having) a successful relationship/marriage and has been giving advice and tips. 

Some novels do give us lessons on ideal relationships which can be followed in real life. This also sets our standards up so that we do not settle for anything less than we deserve. Some basic expectations, some advises and some tips to make a relationship work. But often, we would be teased or mocked for being 'too picky' and would be given a tag of a feminazi, especially if you are a woman. If standing up for what I deserve and believe in makes me a 'feminazi' or 'picky', so be it.

So here are some basic expectations and foundations in ideal modern-day serious relationships/live-in/marriage, which works for old relationships as well. Just like Kavya and Dhruv from Little Things. I'm writing this from a woman's point of view which applies from men's point of view as well.

1. Respect- Respect is the core of any relationship. If there is no respect for the other person, there would be no care, equality, understanding, trust etc. Respecting the partner for the way they are is important. Respect is a two-way thing and without it, a relationship wouldn't survive any much longer. A non-abusive partner in all ways who wouldn't disrespect you even if he is angry.
2. Respecting my consent- Be it him respecting my acceptance or rejection of the relationship/marriage proposal to intimacy in the relationship, he must respect her consent. Else it would turn into sexual assault and mental, emotional and maybe even physical harassment and no one wants that in a loving romantic relationship. 
3. Trust- Like respect, if there is no trust, the relationship is doomed to fail anytime soon. 
4. Communicative partner- No one wants a partner who just storm-off out of a difficult conversation like a small kindergarten kid when he is not given his favourite chocolate. Someone who would go outside and wouldn't care to complete the conversation. Both the partners must communicate, solve the issues and misunderstandings. Communication is just as important so that both don't end up strangling each other to death just after getting into relationship (or months, years or decades later). Communication is also important so that no third person can create an issue between the couple and cause negative interference.
5. Understanding- Someone who takes one look at you and understand how you feel? Or just look into your eyes and see the pain you might be going through behind that smile? Someone who understands your feelings and situation, whether you spoke about it (do speak) or not (he won't be able to read your mind always). He should understand his partner and their feelings and do not gaslight her or declare her feelings as invalid.
6. Equality in the relationship and a feminist partner- He must treat her as an equal. Marriage happens between equals. If one is submissive, there wouldn't be enough respect. She might be taken for granted and she and her feelings ignored. Strongest of feelings dies when ignored and taken for granted. A feminist partner who believes in equality and treats her as an equal. Someone who doesn't take away her freedom to take her decisions or 'allows' her to make her decisions. Inequality in a relationship is what causes the tsunami of forwarded WhatsApp jokes on nagging wives and bechara pati.
7. Not an insecure person- Whether I earn more than him/her, taller, or better at any aspect than he/she is, they shouldn't be insecure about my achievements or positive points. Insecurity and jealousy are natural poison for a relationship. No one is perfect, so neither would I be. Embracing each other's positive qualities, celebrating achievements and accepting each other's flaws.
8. Similar ideology- Now not expecting my twin who thinks just the way I do. But a person with a similar mindset and ideologies wouldn't create many fights and more at peace. But if 2 people have very different mindsets, bombs are sure to explode at home. Also, no one would want a legal mess of divorce due to irreconcilable differences.
9. Similar practical aspects of a relationship- Kids (parenthood), marital home, finances, take on women's financial independence, where do the partner wanna settle down, etc are important. Compromise on these things are extremely hard and may end up in resentment if these turn out different. One want kids, another don't; one wants a nuclear family; another wants a joint family; one wants to settle in Europe while another in Asia; one is supportive of a woman's financial independence while another wants a homemaker wife etc. All these things are bound to create resentment and sourness in a relationship if practical aspects turn out different. One would have to be in a serious relationship or marriage with someone who has similar practical aspects and ideology as their partner. 
10. Taking care of the household- If the house is of both, both must contribute equally in taking care of the house. If one runs the house like a maniac while the other plunks into the sofa with popcorn binge-watching movies and series. Wouldn't work. Also if the couple has kid(s), both are equally responsible for taking care of kids and not just one partner. Also, he can learn basic cooking so that he doesn't have to depend on his partner or any female member of the house.
11. Supportive partner- If I as a woman decide to have my career, I would naturally expect my partner to support me in my career choice and do not hold me back.
12. Adjustments- Adjustments should be from both sides and not just a woman who is all self-sacrificial. Be it adjusting in an inter-faith relationship or other adjustments, it has to be from both sides.
13. Loyal- Must be very loyal. Though I would prefer monogamous relationship, but if someone else prefer open relationship, they should communicate and put ground rules on how much is accepted. Also loyalty just doesn't include not cheating but also not lying and not hiding anything from the partner.
14. Caring- Do I even need to explain this?

Here are some of the basic expectations, and advice for a modern-day serious relationship/marriage to work. 

If next time, any person call you too picky for having such expectations, just be proud as you wouldn't be settling for anything less than you deserve.