Parenthood: A choice, not a compulsion

Every Indian have heard this lines-

"Jab khudke bacchhe hoge tab pata chalega"

"Good news kab?"

"Woman is incomplete without marriage and children"

Parenthood is now equated to being highest achievement in a person's life. From parents to distant relatives who are Eid ka chand, to vegetable vendors and security guard, everyone starts asking you about the 'good news' once you are married. And when you are unmarried, you are prepared for parenthood from young adult age only. Great Indian mother taunts about "Agar tu ghar ka kaam nahi kar sakti toh baccho ko kaise sambhalegi", we are made to believe that parenthood is a mandatory task to be ticked off in the to-do list of life, more so in a girl's life. 

And what if when a person or a couple doesn't want children? They are ridiculed, trolled, judged and socially isolated and are made as embarrassment for parents. Some women are even deserted by their families and have to go through divorce. People start assuming that women is infertile, too career-oriented, selfish and end up assassinating her character by their own narrow mindset. They are emotionally blackmailed from parents about "wanna see our grandkids before our time comes" and much more drama than 14 seasons of Bigg Boss combined. Men aren't subjected to hear much, but they do get emotionally blackmailed on similar lines too.

What if a person who doesn't want a child is forced to have a child? They will never love the child, get neglectful towards it, end up resenting it, develop mental health issues, which will also affect the professional life and relationships a person already have. A child doesn't deserve all this from it's parent(s). When the child will be a grown up, they will start hating his/her parents too, and would have thoughts like 'why its parents even gave him/her birth, 'not aborted me' and so much more. 

Many of the millennials are choosing to go child-free (not childless, child-free!). Two of famous couples I know are Savi and Vid (travel bloggers) and Abhi and Niyu (youtubers). These couples decided to be childfree for their own reasons.

Not every person wish to become a parent. And that's completely ok. 

Reasons for not having child could be many.

1) Not everyone has parental insticts embedded in them

2) Some had abusive parents themselves and they dont wanna inflict it on another generation

3) Not wanna pass down a genetic pool of diseases to next generation

4) Very busy in career or travelling that they won't be mentally and emotionally present for the child, which will be bad for the child itself

5) Not wanna bring a child into an already overpopulated, unsafe world of crimes. And a world with scarcity of resources for already existing living creatures.

6) Cannot and don't wanna take responsibility of a child and it's not selfish.

7) Having a child means a lot of money to be spent on prenatal and postnatal care. On an average, a parent spends 60 lakhs-1 crore on one child. Just wonder how much a person can travel in that money lifelong!

8) Just because they don't want to. No other reason to be asked. And if they say they just don't want to, do not poke your nose in other's private life and stop irritating them with constantly asking why.

9) Because women do not owe babies to anyone but herself if she WANTS (no influence, no pressure) to have a child. So if its tagged as selfish, it's just as fine.

And no, a person cannot have its parental insticts magically open up with birth of the child. It's too unrealistic to be true. Its bigger scam than the Harshad Mehta scam, credits to Bollywood and television.

It is high time that we let people decide for themselves. Parenthood is a choice, not a compulsion. You can suggest them if they are your kids (others, stay away!) about pros and cons of their decision, but not interfere in it. Its their life decision, not yours. If they are taking responsibility of their decision about having or not having kid (if yes, through what method- natural, IVF,surrogacy, adoption and at what stage of life), you stay away.

Not everyone gets everything in life. You may or may not see the face of your grandchildren. If the child is born, it will be lifetime responsibility of the parents and they get to decide for themselves if they want to have kids or not. And if accidental pregnancy happens, woman has the right to decide to take it to the term or abort it (except on gender bias, I stand against gender biased abortion).

If you get in a serious relationship (within a few months) or finding spouse for yourself in arranged marriage scenario, discuss this before getting married in 1st date only. Tell them about your decision of wanting or not wanting to have a child. And if yes, at what stage and through what method. Cause this is a topic no one can compromise upon.

If one wanted to have kids and another doesn't, one will end up resenting for life which surely will negatively affect the marriage/serious relationship. If they have same goals as yours in this sector and similar practical aspects of relationship and what all is required in a relationship, go ahead or stop it there if goals doesn't match. Discuss about what kids means to you, wanna have kids or not, if yes- what age and process, unwanted and accidental pregnancy, your stand on abortion, what you may do if accidental pregnancy happens, and everything! Its really important to let them know your views and listen to theirs. If it matches, congratulations. If not, keep finding. If they are not sure about the decision or impulsive type who may change decision after marriage, hold on and don't reach to a decision to marry. 

Abortion is a human right. Though in India, there are many rules (there have been some amendments and if the bill passes, it would be much better) about getting abortion, but its still much better than many other countries. Though the decision to carry the pregnancy to term or abort it is a couple's decision as they would have to deal with consequences of it, the woman here has the upper hand as she would be the most affected by it. If you are a woman its your decision to either carry it to the term or abort it. And if you decide to abort the foetus, you don't need anyone's permission (parents/husband/boyfriend/in-laws etc) as long as you are above the age of 18 and 20 weeks pregnant. Abortion is right, as long as it is not gender biased. Abortion goes wrong if it gets gender biased, and I wouldn't stand by that. You might meet many judgemental gynaecologist or health practitioners. Though they are trained for abortion procedure, you might still meet many who would deny for abortion and give you unsolicited advices. Search on Google for non-judgemental gynacs in your city (if not in your city, then nearby metropolitan city) and go ahead with one of those doctors. Do not go for any unsafe abortion which might put yours and/or the foetus' life to risk.

Let's stop looking at parenthood as an compulsion but a person's and a couple's choice. Live and let live.

Image source- Change.Org