Inter-faith marriages and how to make them work

With all this Tanishq ad controversy over inter-faith marriage and 'love jihad', here is my opinions on inter-faith marriages, based on actual facts and practical solutions to make these relationships work too. I know I'm too late (chuck it, procrastination!🤦‍♀️) but let's start anyway.

Inter-faith marriages has been and still is taboo in India and not widely unaccepted. Be it on the grounds of religion, caste or language differences (and maybe even nationality altogether!). People do not accept inter-faith marriages as it is 'not our blood', 'blood will get mixed', 'our clan will be polluted' etc. Oh wait, how can I forget the iconic cliché dialogue of parents if their kid proposes for a inter-faith marriage- "log kya kahenge?". Unfortunately, for majority Indian parents (not every parents, but accepting parents are really less in India), what society would say is more important than their child's happiness. ''What if our society alientes us?'', ''What face would we show to society?'' is the most common dialogues heard. Every child and teenager has heard it in their families, including me. And it does irritate us. Current generation is the generation which doesn't believe in caste. We believe in love across religion, caste and language. 

We kids didnt chose our religion, caste or language (we were not even asked if we even wish to be born💁🤷), it was just a chance. About caste differences, if one is born in 'upper caste', its not any achievement, so chill. One being born in 'upper' or 'lower' caste is all by chance. And same goes with religion. I am not any religious expert, but what I do know is that every religion promotes love. Love is secular. It's never the holy books of all the religions fighting with each other, but the people of the religions. 

And WTH is this 'love jihad'? A term coined by Hindu extremists. Why do people fall for all this? Of course, I am against any FORCEFUL conversion of name, surname, beliefs, etc. But if the conversion is done with the willingness of the girl/woman without any pressure or influence, then we should not have any problems with it. Lets just keep our nose out of it and focus on our own messed up lives.

Now, about the Tanishq ad, the concept of being married into another religion is not as issue. The ad had some major mistakes too. The pregnant woman in the ad seemed surprised and meek in her own home. Now that she was pregnant, lets assume she might had atleast spent 1 year in that home with being 7 month pregnant (that's when the godbharai is done mostly, correct me in comments if I'm wrong). Now, 1 year is enough to get adjusted in one home. But why she seemed so meek and surprised in her own home on day of godbharai (or whatever that occasion is called across regions and cultures). Was that only cause she was pregnant and carrying their heir? That was wrong. Now this can happen even in same faith marriages. I think Tanishq could had made another ad doing gender and religious swipe, i.e Muslim girl with an Hindu guy to this unnecessary controversy and trolling over inter-faith marriage thing. 

A big question is- why are men allowed to marry out of religion in general but not women? It applies to any religion. Why are people hesitant about women marrying in another religion, but kinda ok with men marrying a girl from another religion? See, I am not saying that men don't have issues in marrying a girl from another religion, they do. But its a bit easy for them compared to women. The answer is- PATRIARCHY and SPREADING WRONG INFORMATION ON NAME OF RELIGION. Man may face issues in convincing his family for inter-faith marriage but parents may agree, but its a bit more harder in case of girls. More honour killing happens if woman go against family to marry someone out of religion or caste, as compared to honour killings when men do inter-faith marriage against family's wish. Some 'godmen' spread wrong information about inter-faith marriages and the issue is that people believe in such people more than science or actual things. PK movie is example of that. Hence texts of many holy books are misinterpreted according to the wishes of such 'godmen'. There is a lot more, but let's switch to another thing.

PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS TO MAKE INTER-FAITH AND INTER-CASTE MARRIAGES WORK

For couples-

Stand by your partner. Do not give in to the family pressure to marry someone else. Know each other's culture in relationship as early as possible, if you both belong to different cultures and religions. It applies in same faith marriages too, as some cultural practices change even in same faith. Enter serious relationship with someone from another faith only if you know that you can stand against your family for your partner if you have to and can take partner's side throughout (if your partner is a right and reasonable person), irrespective of any emotional blackmail or what. If you can't, please do not waste time of your partner in the relationship which doesn't have any future. If its a consensual casual relationship, then its ok. 

About right person, this are the minimum qualities I refer to- respectful, loving, caring, understanding, empathetic, loyal, non-manipulative, non-abusive, open minded, and sharing similar core values and same practical aspects (kids, marital home i.e joint or nuclear family, location of settling down, households chores, how gonna look after both set of parents and profession related). So whereever I mention right partner, refer this.

Girls, try to understand his family culture and family. You can ask your boyfriend or fiance to make you meet his family after like 1½-2 months of relationship. Know his family. His family culture. Analyze if in future, you would be able to adjust with the culture or not. Adjust with the family or not. If cannot adjust but still wanna marry him, joint family or nuclear family? Whatever your answers would be to all this, please tell him about all this. Answer to all this- able to fit in with his family, family culture, joint or nuclear family. Every religion has its own wrong practices. If you are not comfortable with following it or your partner following it, make it clear before marriage or in start of relationship only. It will help you with months or years of pain if the cultural differences ends up in breakup. Tell your guy about your family culture so that he gets a good idea of your culture too. But never pressurize or nag him to follow your religion now or in future. Changing your surname, your religion and maybe even name (I personally don't recommend changing first name as its your identity) is your choice. If you yourself willingly want it, go ahead. If not, tell it clear in advance that you wont change your religion and/or surname before and after marriage. 

For boys, do not pressurize your girl to follow your religion. Take it easy. Knowing new culture takes time. Adjusting to new culture takes time. Do not expect her to follow each and every cultural practice, now or in future, as its an unrealistic and over expectations. Respect her decision if she wanna convert her religion & surname or not. Do not force or pest her for that. And this is not just before marriage, but after marriage too.

If the couple thinks the culture is not an issue and can adjust, and in plan to marry in future, discuss what culture could the kid (if both want kids) will follow? The simple practical solution here would be that, to expose kid (who may be born later) to both the cultures, without pressurizing them, and they would later decide, once they would be in their teenage and mature enough, which culture they would like to follow or both or no culture at all.

About marriage, you both can either mix both the cultures in one wedding 50-50 (if possible), or have wedding in both the religious rituals, or best court marriage (saves a lot of money, too!). 

Many people ask whom should we support- parents or partner. Well, both are important. But if your parents are rejecting your partner due to ego/society/pre judgement, even when your partner is right person without even meeting your partner or after knowing them; then your parents are just trying to assert their authority on you and you should choose your partner in this situation.

And yes, you both would need more understanding as compared to same-faith married couples. Some adjustments (without sacrificing your right beliefs and yourself as a person). Some fights will happen due to religious and language differences (fights don't happen due to caste differences in majority millennial couples) and you both will need to find a solution for that. Some more understanding, some more compassion. Inter-faith marriages comes with its own challenges which you both would need to pass through as a team- team of understanding, love, compassion, respect for each other and cultural differences, etc.

For parents (and relatives)-  

If your child introduces you to their partner from another faith/caste, please do not just reject them on basis of another faith/caste. Know their partner. Invite them over, talk to them, observe their words, actions, behaviour and mentality, get to know them, take your time. Look for qualities of being respectful, loving, caring, loyalty, understanding, open mindedness, and believing in true equality for everyone. Don't have pre-judgements else you wont be able to know their partner in unbiased  way. You can tell your child after some time ( 3-4 weeks) how do you find their partner- good or not suitable. 

Remember, you can just suggest them that their partner is good or not suitable, as per you. You can't force them to take decision in your favour. Tell your child that what decision they would take, they have to take responsibility of their decision too, i.e they would be responsible if they choose their partner of their choice. But if its you who are forcing your child for marriage with someone, you would have to take responsibility of their marriage as you might be even blame for their unhappy or abusive marriage ( 99% forced marriages don't work). 

Do not expect your Son-in-law (SIL) or Daughter-in-law (DIL) to practice each and every cultural practice of your religion. Its an unrealistic expectations. Do not force your culture on your DIL or SIL. They will have their own beliefs and it can't be just changed due to marriage. They may follow some practices, they may won't follow others and its completely ok. Some may not even follow any practices but you can't force them either. You may just ask them to attend a few functions, maybe for namesake - don't do anything and just be present. But if they still not agree, just let it go. Do not cause yourself unnecessary headache. This applies even if your DIL or SIL is from same faith, and to your own kids. Forcing a kid and/or their partner to follow culture, and making cultural practices mandatory, are a perfect disaster recipe to make them hate the culture, religion and maybe even you. You would not want it. Suggest once, if they deny or are hesitant about it, just let it go.

If they wanna follow some practices, they will. You would not have to bang your head on wall about it every time. Talk to them, tell them about it, ask if they wanna do it. If yes, great. If not or hesitant - let it go.

Respect your DIL's decision if she wanna convert her religion & surname or not. Do not force or pest her for that if she doesn't want to. Its normal now-a-days for girl to not change her religion and surname after marriage. Do not force or pest her for that. And this is not just before marriage, but after marriage too.

If you don't like their partner but your child still loves them and end up marrying them, let it go. You can disown them if you want. But do not cause them any harm for 'respect in society' (so many cases of honour killings). Any kind of interference or harm to your child's marriage or partner, and its visible that you never loved your child. You just wanted to force your authority on them.

Same thing goes with relatives. If there's a inter-faith marriage in your family, either accept it or if you can't, atleast do not negatively gossip about it (have seen many such people, speaking from observation). You live your life, let them live theirs. And please, no unnecessary stupid and wrong advices about marriage or relationship or "good news"  (speaking from observation, seen it happening). 

For society- 

If someone is having an consensual inter faith marriage (or even same faith), let them have it. If you can't be happy about it, atleast do not negatively gossip about it, troll them or even give them death or rape threats! And if you are invited, do not go if you don't like and if you do go, do not keep unnecessarily criticizing everything at the wedding while eating from their money (this one is ironic- keeps criticizing food and all yet eat more or waste it). 

This practical solutions are both for inter-religious and inter-caste marriage.

Lets start accepting consenual inter-faith marriages, do not force one's culture over others (partner, SIL/DIL, anyone) and do not troll, hate or give them death/rape threats for their consenual choices. Live and let live.✌️ Peace. Period. 

Disclaimer:- This are my personal opinions, based on facts along with practical solutions and I do not intend to start any controversy about anything. 

Image source- Google